Night Noetics from Death Doula by Noughtie Dee

late nights same thoughts fill my mind

was i a good sister

why didn’t i die



people speak in the past tense

i had to see him in his casket

didn’t want to walk closer

fear starting to take over

eyes sewn, hands cold, okay just keep composure

knees locked, heart stopped, dad hand on my shoulder

that ain’t dom laying there

but if not tell me where



lifeless body i was tore up

who knew 16 was the oldest you would grow up

was the last of him i’d see

still remember my first dream

felt like he came to visit

told him take his phone

he wasn’t with it

said he didn’t need it

told me i keep it

i said the joke was over

come home and give us closure

but he couldn’t listen

woke up he was gone

stomach was the sickest

i still got his phone

i still sense his realness



like i said i was smoking weed tryna get lifted

mind filled with anxiety

i was really tripping

know he wanted me to quit it

leave a legacy make a difference

cause like soul said i live to let you

i will make sure your messages get through

dom said let my friends know that i love them

i hear the cries even though i am above them



late nights same thoughts fill my mind

was i a good sister

why didn’t i



now i kinda see why i gotta be alive

no suicidal shit i’d rather be by your side

jordan birthday in a section i was crying

cause we was supposed to run it up

you would’ve turned 21

bond would’ve been crazy like wtf

i see sibling trips i’m mad that’ll never be us

can’t even think about my wedding

you’ll never be unc

this was all i ever knew

that we’d grow old together as siblings do

guess you get to be forever young

and i get to be forever numbed



first year felt like i’d never recover

i watched blacklist for weeks

grandma cookies all i’d eat

had to cry myself to sleep

that’s when i could fuckin sleep

he was all that was on my mind

no way this get better with time

too hard to socialize

no one will ever get it

will they ever get me

this dark part of my history

can only meet you through my memories

no one prepares you for these kind of things

should i drop out and flee the scene

i came back the next term

i got the degree

but i’m still indifferent

yes i’m still healing



late nights same thoughts fill my mind

was i a good sister

why didn’t i die

• Alternative
• alternative hip-hop
• female rap
• hiphop rap
• songwriter
• Atlanta